I keep looking for a pattern, some kind of warning, a hint, any small thing to let me know that things are about to change. The waiting and wondering is a huge part of my life, but there is nothing. At least I can’t seem to find anything to prepare me for the onset of the next episode. One day all is well and the next day just the thought of getting out of bed is too much.

Sometimes there is a reason and my mind wants to latch onto that reason. Maybe it is bad news, illness, death of a loved one, a difficulty at work, a disagreement or just the normal ebbs and flows of life. Whatever the cause the spiral into that dark place of self-loathing, self-doubt, disillusionment, inadequacy, inactivity comes on suddenly. Life becomes a test of endurance.

I tell myself, “Just one more breath, one more minute, one more hour, one more day.”

I don’t have the energy or the will to moderate or restrict the negative self talk and things get worse. Days become weeks and sometimes weeks become month.

“Just put one foot in-front of the other. Keep walking. Move. You have to move. Hold on just a bit longer.”