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Super Powers – Kindness Matters

One of the most important things we can do each day is to be kind to ourselves and others. Sometimes I think that the pursuit of success and achievement in our society blinds us to the value of kindness. Competition is encouraged and rewarded while kindness is sometimes looked upon as weakness. However, kindness is not only a strength, it is a super power.

How you ask? First kindness to yourself is the ultimate form of self-care. Being unkind to yourself, beats you down, discourages you and leads to a path of distress, depression and unease (disease). Negativity feeds on itself and creates more negativity. If you tell yourself that you are a failure, eventually you will believe it and become one.

Kindness is just the opposite. If you offer yourself compassion and encouragement, set-backs become stepping stones and lessons to build upon. Kindness is the foundation for success, but we often forget.

Same goes for others. When you offer kindness and encouragement to others, they will reflect that positive energy back to you and everyone benefits from it. So remember Kindness is your Super Power – Use it Well.

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One Year Later…

Sun Flower

A lot has happened since I last posted here. One of the biggest changes to my life is that as of November 30, 2020, I am retired. That’s right after thirty-six (36) of federal civil service, I called it quits and retired. Retirement is a big change in ways I did not expect.

One of the most significant difference is my level of stress is “exponentially” lower and my depression is lessened. No my depression is not “cured” but I am taking less medication and have fewer days where the depression significantly affects my life. I would say that retirement is good.

Another change during the past year is my presence on social media. While I have not been posting here, I started a YouTube lifestyle channel(mostly gardening and art) and I also have an Instagram channel for my art.

So, what’s next? I am most excited that I am finally getting back into writing and that means more content here as well as a book of poetry coming soon. Additionally, I hope to expand my YouTube to offer inspiration and coping tips to others living with depression. Finally, as my skills in art continue to improve, I plan to offer pieces for purchase.

Thanks for visiting. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

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Depression continued

June 19, 2020

It’s Juneteenth. Celebrating freedom.

Sometimes I just can’t, and today is one of those days. Everything is hard. Every conversation, every effort, every thought.

Why? What does it matter? What does it even mean?

Today, I don’t know and I can’t be bothered to care. Today breathing is enough, but I am not even allowed to have that. Today even breathing is hard.

But let me be clear. I don’t want anything from you or anybody. I will get through this by myself and never speak of my struggles again because there are more important things in this world than my mental and emotional well being.

Carry on.

BogPlant

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The First Step

People often say that the first step is the hardest, but what they don’t tell you is that “every step is the first step.” Well maybe not, but with depression, sometimes it feels like every step is the hardest.

This week I find myself stuck in the thinking stage about things I want to do.  I have made decisions and made plans but when it is time act, to move, it is difficult to get going.

Continue reading

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Playing with String

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Baby Blanket with hats  – Gift for Baby Girl

Crocheting, knitting, sewing – My mother made our clothes.  She also made quilts and blankets for the beds.  My sister and brother knitted, and sometime along the way, I learned those skills and I have been creating things from fabric and string for most of my life.

What do I Make – Most often I crochet baby blankets as gifts for friends and family.  I have crocheted hats, scarves, slippers, sweaters, mitts, stuffed animals, pillows and toys.  My favorite thing to knit is socks, but I also knit mitts, scarves, blankets and hats.  Like my mother, I make clothes but I also make household items like curtains, napkins, pillows, etc. Continue reading

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Depression – Coping

Writing on depression, I find that I need to remind potential readers  that I am speaking from my own experience and my perspective.  The things I speak of are true for me at this time or were true for me at the time I experienced them.  As I continue to live with depression and heal, my truth is shaped by my experiences, my perspectives and my physical, emotional and spiritual growth.  So remember, these truths may not be valid for you or your loved ones.

One aspect of depression that continues to frustrate me is coping with the reactions and comments from others. Just recently I was sharing with a friend the feeling of “stasis” that I was experiencing.  If you are not familiar with it, check out my writing here.  At this stage of healing, I continue to speak out about my depression.  I talk about it with friends and family rather than keeping silent. So when they ask how I am, I answer, sharing my feelings. Continue reading

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Major Depressive Episode

I keep looking for a pattern, some kind of warning, a hint, any small thing to let me know that things are about to change. The waiting and wondering is a huge part of my life, but there is nothing. At least I can’t seem to find anything to prepare me for the onset of the next episode. One day all is well and the next day just the thought of getting out of bed is too much.

Sometimes there is a reason and my mind wants to latch onto that reason. Maybe it is bad news, illness, death of a loved one, a difficulty at work, a disagreement or just the normal ebbs and flows of life. Whatever the cause the spiral into that dark place of self-loathing, self-doubt, disillusionment, inadequacy, inactivity comes on suddenly. Life becomes a test of endurance.

I tell myself, “Just one more breath, one more minute, one more hour, one more day.”

I don’t have the energy or the will to moderate or restrict the negative self talk and things get worse. Days become weeks and sometimes weeks become month.

“Just put one foot in-front of the other. Keep walking. Move. You have to move. Hold on just a bit longer.”

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Depression cont.

Some days
Just the thought of breathing is too much
The only thought that keeps me going is
“Just keep breathing”
Every breath is a struggle
Accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness
Things I should have done,
Could have done,
Would have done
Remain undone.

The list grows longer
The load grows heavier.
Thoughts become taunts,
Tearing away at any desire
Immobilized
Fading from existence
Until darkness descends
And everything seems to stop.

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Somedays writing is hard…

I am so not feeling writing today. This happens from time to time during NaNoWriMo and sometimes I take a break, but other times I set my timer and I go to work. Through NaNoWriMo I learned that I am very capable of sitting down and pushing through a block and coming out the other side with good work. No, I am not saying that those words are the best or even something that I will keep in the end but they help to move me forward. Sometimes moving forward is all I need to develop my characters, my plot, my novel. So in November I plan to write for two hours per day. I set a schedule for myself and I sit the chair and I let the words come. If nothing comes, try again the next day and keep going until I reach 50,000 words.

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NaNoWriMo

November is National Novel Writing Month. If you have never heard of it, go here to check it out. I heard about NaNoWriMo a few years ago, I believe it was 2006, from some writing friends on SparkPeople . At the time, I mostly wrote poetry and considered writing a children’s book, but hadn’t really considered writing a novel. I certainly had not considered writing 50,000 words in 30 days or less, but somehow on November 9 found myself creating a profile and two days later started writing.

Somehow, I won. I met with other wrimos in my town for write-ins, joined in the forums for word wars, and had a great time of it. I met PolarBear60 who turned me on to FMWriters, which really made me look at my writing in a totally different way. Until then, I wrote for me, because I needed it, because I wanted to. I never considered sharing my writing with others. I never considered even trying to get published. But, after that first NaNoWriMo I began to change. My writing changed, both the process and the products. After that first NaNoWriMo I started to challenge myself to write more, to explore different styles, to edit my writing and to share it. This year for the first time I re-wrote one of my novels. I am now in the editing and polishing process and soon it will be in the hands of my beta readers. I have shared some of my poems on g+ and I started this blog. While writing is still something I do for me, it is more than that.

     So, it’s almost November 2014 and I am considering yet another novel. Have you ever thought about writing a book? Do you keep saying that you will do it “one of these days”. Well, one of these days is just around the corner. I’ll be hanging out on g+ with other wrimos sprinting my way toward 50,000 words and another win. I would love to see you there.

Water Fall in Little River Canyon, AL

Little River Canyon – AL