It’s been a minute.
My last post was “Thirty-five Days” and I have definitely gone through some changes since then. During the government shutdown of 2019, I had a lot of time to contemplate my life and my career. It was a difficult time. The reality is that life is full of difficult times. This was not the first, not the worst, and not the last. Continue reading
During December 2018 and January 2019 I had a bit of extra time on my hands, somewhere around 35 days. In my life, time has always seemed to be the limiting factor; you know the saying “so many things to do, people to see, etc. and so little time.” Suddenly I had lots of time to think, to plan, to do…
So, I started painting. Continue reading
People often say that the first step is the hardest, but what they don’t tell you is that “every step is the first step.” Well maybe not, but with depression, sometimes it feels like every step is the hardest.
This week I find myself stuck in the thinking stage about things I want to do. I have made decisions and made plans but when it is time act, to move, it is difficult to get going.
Baby Blanket with hats – Gift for Baby Girl
Crocheting, knitting, sewing – My mother made our clothes. She also made quilts and blankets for the beds. My sister and brother knitted, and sometime along the way, I learned those skills and I have been creating things from fabric and string for most of my life.
What do I Make – Most often I crochet baby blankets as gifts for friends and family. I have crocheted hats, scarves, slippers, sweaters, mitts, stuffed animals, pillows and toys. My favorite thing to knit is socks, but I also knit mitts, scarves, blankets and hats. Like my mother, I make clothes but I also make household items like curtains, napkins, pillows, etc. Continue reading
Writing on depression, I find that I need to remind potential readers that I am speaking from my own experience and my perspective. The things I speak of are true for me at this time or were true for me at the time I experienced them. As I continue to live with depression and heal, my truth is shaped by my experiences, my perspectives and my physical, emotional and spiritual growth. So remember, these truths may not be valid for you or your loved ones.
One aspect of depression that continues to frustrate me is coping with the reactions and comments from others. Just recently I was sharing with a friend the feeling of “stasis” that I was experiencing. If you are not familiar with it, check out my writing here. At this stage of healing, I continue to speak out about my depression. I talk about it with friends and family rather than keeping silent. So when they ask how I am, I answer, sharing my feelings. Continue reading
I keep looking for a pattern, some kind of warning, a hint, any small thing to let me know that things are about to change. The waiting and wondering is a huge part of my life, but there is nothing. At least I can’t seem to find anything to prepare me for the onset of the next episode. One day all is well and the next day just the thought of getting out of bed is too much.
Sometimes there is a reason and my mind wants to latch onto that reason. Maybe it is bad news, illness, death of a loved one, a difficulty at work, a disagreement or just the normal ebbs and flows of life. Whatever the cause the spiral into that dark place of self-loathing, self-doubt, disillusionment, inadequacy, inactivity comes on suddenly. Life becomes a test of endurance.
I tell myself, “Just one more breath, one more minute, one more hour, one more day.”
I don’t have the energy or the will to moderate or restrict the negative self talk and things get worse. Days become weeks and sometimes weeks become month.
“Just put one foot in-front of the other. Keep walking. Move. You have to move. Hold on just a bit longer.”
Some days
Just the thought of breathing is too much
The only thought that keeps me going is
“Just keep breathing”
Every breath is a struggle
Accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness
Things I should have done,
Could have done,
Would have done
Remain undone.
The list grows longer
The load grows heavier.
Thoughts become taunts,
Tearing away at any desire
Immobilized
Fading from existence
Until darkness descends
And everything seems to stop.
I have been thinking about speaking on depression for a very long time, and I kept putting it off. I cannot put it off any longer. I have to speak out because chronic depression has been a part of my LIFE, for a very long time. This is a beginning, a first step to talking about living with chronic depression.
I don’t know the form, the outcome or even the path of these ramblings; I just know that it is time for me to speak. I hope that something I say may be helpful to someone living with depression, or a family member or a friend.
Stay tuned…
Life continues…
Yes, life continues. We live and breathe and grow older. We learn and forget and remember. Life continues.
Over the last couple of years I have experienced many twists and turns, hills and valleys. I hope I have learned from my experiences and moved forward.
I am still writing. These days I am focusing on my poetry and hope to have a book of poems published by the end of the year. I plan to publish more of my poems here for your enjoyment. If my words speak to you, use them. I only ask that you properly attribute it to me.
I am still playing with string. I have been exploring different ways or working with thread, string, yarn, rope, wire. My newest project is guitar strings. Yes, I am finally learning to play my guitar and it is going well.
Thank you for visiting. Welcome to my space.
Breathe, plan, do 